A couple of days later the employment agency I needed to go through called me and explained that they had cleared me to work but that the hiring company (my friend works for) had not. apparently the DUI is not a problem except that my case is still pending. The company does not hire people with pending cases. Personally this makes no sense to me because if the DUI is ok then what does it matter if it is pending or not? My court case won’t go above a DUI, in fact I won’t be convicted of DUI at all because my lawyer and the prosecuting atty. agreed upon Reckless Opp. So I don’t understand the problem.  But I digress, the problem is that I got the DUI in the first place. The problem is that I’m an alcoholic and have to deal with the consequences of my earlier actions. So we will see how it all turns out.

I can say this: After being in the rooms of AA I have realized that I am at the exact place in my life where I am supposed to be. Furthermore if I supposed to have this job and it is a good healthy place for me, both mind and body then I will get it, if I’m not meant to have it for whatever reason then I won’t and I’m ok with whatever the outcome is. I must honestly say that AA has been a wonderful experience for me. Some people say that it is a cult and that they mind wash you but that is not true. It is simply a program that helps alcoholics deal with their alcoholism.

If you google alcoholism you will find that it is a medical disease that progressively gets worse as the alcoholic continues to drink. It kills your body and your mind. There is also no known cure for it. Drugs do not work, rehab sometimes works but no always. What many medical doctors say is that AA (alcoholics anonymous) is what works the best. AA is a simple program that brings alcoholics together to share their experience,  strength and hope with each other in hope to help.

When I was in college and decided that I really needed to stop drinking, one of the things that comforted me the most was the times that my roommate and I would sit up and talk about our feelings and our thoughts on alcohol and food. She was not an alcoholic but suffered from anorexia. For the rest of the year that we were in school I felt the most at ease when I could describe my feelings and have someone understand those feelings. I later found out it was because she was also addicted to something. She also had the mental addiction that I had. She was not physically addicted to starving herself, as I was not physically addicted to alcohol ( I’m thankful to never have gotten physically addicted although many alcoholics do) but I was and am mentally addicted to it. It took me years to understand that I couldn’t do it on my own. That I needed others that had the same disease as I to help me through it.

I view my alcoholism as a little red demon attached to my back . I was born with my demon. It was there in my mother’s womb with me. We both grew bigger and stronger day by day.  I believe that when I was born the demon was born with me however it was till asleep. Resting silently and patiently on my shoulder. However as I got older and was learning all about life and the wonders it has to offer, my demon awoke. I used it to deal with life when I couldn’t. I would drink with my friends in high school but when everyone else had gone to bed or stopped drinking because the party was over I kept going. I loved drinking, it was great fun in the beginning. My demon sat happily on my shoulder and became bigger and stronger with each drink I took. Until ultimately it had grown big enough to kill me.

I tried many times to quit drinking by myself. I would be successful for a year or a couple months. But I was never able to do it on my own. Only when my life lay in pieces around me was I humble enough and want to reach out and ask for help. I have found it in AA and it has made all the difference. I will continue to go now not only for myself and my family, but even more importantly for my little baby I have growing inside me.

]]> http://klc79.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/job-sorry-you-have-a-dui/feed/ 0 klc79 http://klc79.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/aa-follow-up/ http://klc79.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/aa-follow-up/#comments Fri, 08 Jan 2010 04:06:17 +0000 klc79 http://klc79.wordpress.com/?p=49 ]]> I forgot to follow-up on my AA home meeting. I was at work and my sponsor called to tell me she wasn’t feeling good and that she would be missing our meeting. Like any good alcoholic I instantly thought “great now I don’t have to go, I can stay at work and make extra money.” Luckily I ran my brilliant idea past my husband and he just looked at me and told me to get to the meeting.

For those of you who have never been to an AA meeting I’m sure it’s very intimidating at times but once you start going it is literally the best thing you will ever do for yourself. I walked in nd two girls instantly called my name. I felt welcomed and at home. I sat down and listened to all the other women share how they were feeling and how things were going for them, both good and bad. I wasn’t able to share because the meeting was over before they got to me. But I felt lighter when I walked out that door. I don’t know what it is about talking to people who share a common problem but it helps. It just helps. If I didn’t have AA I don’t know what I would do.

I tried two other times in my life to quit drinking on my own and I was partly successful. I was able to stop for a year each time, but each time I wasn’t able to make it stick. My mind and disease would start telling me I wasn’t an alcoholic, that i had grown up,  that I could handle a drink, just one. Well I can’t handle just one and I am an alcoholic. My disease is cunning and it doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 months, 2 years or 22 years, I can’t ever drink again if I want to keep my life, and I do. Plus AA has given me a support group of wonderful people who want to help me. Sometimes the people closest to you can’t do it.

Anyways I felt a 100 times better after I left my meeting. Thank you husband for gently reminding me I need to get my butt there.

Leigh.

I want my husband and I to have a good healthy sex life for the rest of our lives, and I know I probably care more then he does but I just don’t want him seeing my bum during delivery. Speaking of the hubby. I have been an emotional mess lately. I have always been a little jealous and crazy but I have noticed even more so now with all my hormonal changes. I was really sad the last two days. I worried that he was talking to some girl at work, I worried that he was talking to some girl on-line, I just worried. Well we talked a little about it last night and then he went to bed before me and I wrote him an email. It;s really hard for me to talk about my feelings and sometimes it’s easier for me to type them. I woke up this morning and he had already gone to work. I had a terrible dream that he was leaving me, so when I woke up I just wanted to cry. I walked downstairs hoping to find a return email from him, but also a little scared. What if he got mad that I was being crazy and jealous? We have been through A LOT the last few months. This summer was really bad when I was drinking and out of control. He dealt with a lot of crap from me. We went through marriage counseling and are doing much better now. Thank god for our counselor and AA. So you can see why I worry that he might get to the point where he just can’t take my craziness and get annoyed with me. Thank god he didn’t.

I pulled out the computer and checked my email to find a return email from him. It was a quick note before he went off to work, just telling me that he loved me and reassuring me that he was super excited for the baby. he told me not to worry about other girls and that I have always been jealous and that he understands. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m so glad I brought it up because I just needed some reassurance that we were ok. Logically I knew we were but emotionally I started to freak out. I guess the moral of this story is that I need to continue to communicate with him even when I feel like it’s stupid and dumb. Because in the long run it will make things better.

Leigh

I’m also worried about a job prospect. A friend of mine has an administrative position available in his company. He knows I need a job so he asked me if I would be interested applying for it. Of course I am. The job pays well and would greatly help my husband and I financially. However there is a drug test (no problem I will pass with flying colors) and a criminal background check. Um does DUI fall under criminal background check? I’m guessing so. I was not convicted of a DUI. It was dropped down to reckless operation. But still I’m wondering what will come up.  Only time will tell hu? The position does not involve driving, therefore even if the DUI does show I’m hoping they will over look it. Ugghh did I mention I was a little down and depressed today.

I have my home group AA meeting tonight.  For those of you who do not know, a home group is simply a group you agree to go to each week. You help clean up and coördinate events for the meeting. It is basically a commitment that you will be some place each week, as opposed to the other AA meetings one attends when they can. It’s a women’s only meeting and I love it.  All the women are friendly and sweet. I can walk in there having a really bad day and walk out knowing everything will be alright. I’m looking forward to going tonight. I think it will lift my mood.

Ok off to nap a little today.

My first trip down to the office was a little crazy. For those of you that have not been let me explain the joys of it too you. First you pick a number and then you wait. And wait. And wait. After you have waited forever your number is called and you go up to the counter only to have a mean old lady glare at you and ask for the 100 different pieces of paperwork that you need documented.  This took awhile because in the middle of taking all my documents and scanning them into the system the lady I had helping me decided to answer her cell phone and talk to her kid about exercise classes. Wow I mean seriously? My husband and I then went upstairs to wait some more. After we waited for our interview another woman (I will say much nicer than the first) set us up with another appointment time to come in. I lucked out and had to work during the second appointment so I didn’t have to go with my husband. Luckily since we are married he was able to do everything to get me set up for the pregnancy.

I had my first Dr.’s appointment about two or three weeks ago. My gynecologist does not deliver babies anymore so she refered me to another group of Dr.’s. I adore and trust my Dr. and would like to see one of the Dr.’s she has suggested. Well guess what! They don’t take the supplemental ins. my husband has and they only take Molina Medicaid. I then called the Medicaid people to ask if I’m eligible for Molina (you have to wait 30 days and they ask you to choose what type of Medicaid you want) and guess what he didn’t answer! Wow surprise surprise a govt. employee isn’t available. You know I wouldn’t even care so much if it was just me I was worried about. However I’m pregnant and I’m getting more and more pregnant by the day! I mean seriously I can’t wait 4 more weeks. I need blood work done to make sure everything is ok.

I know that by quitting my job I got myself into this mess and I know that ultimately this is all my fault but dammit does it have to be so hard all the time? There was  a lot of messed up, bad things that were going on at my last job that I couldn’t handle anymore. I’m trying daily to get another job but there isn’t anything available! I want to work, I don’t want to use the crappy system our govt. has in place for those of us who don’t have health ins.  The best part of all of this is that our president (Obama) just passed a health care bill to give us all free health care and it’s gonna suck. You know why? Because anything that is free or subsidised isn’t any good. Nothing good in life comes for free. And it’s not free either, other people are going to have to pay for it. I don’t care if those people are “rich” who pay for it. It’s wrong to make other people pay for other people. Plus I ask who would want health care is it sucks? If anything we should be trying to create more jobs by privately run businesses so that the unemployed ( essentially like myself) could get jobs that pay decent and have regular health ins.

To top all of this off my husband has decided that I’m an annoying and nagging wife. Granted I know that I talk about things over and over again. (Jobs, money etc) But that’s only because I’m constantly thinking about them myself and I want someone to share my feelings with. I’m sure that it probably is annoying but I’m scared. I’m poor and I’m pregnant and I’m scared. I have seemed to have lost all pizzaz at only 10 weeks pregnant. How the heck did that happen? I don’t even thing “Geri Yoga” can help me today.

Leigh

It’s snowing here now so walking outside is no longer and option ( I don’t mind the cold but don’t want to slip and fall on the ice). I went down to my basement yesterday and dusted off the gloves. I went about 4 rounds on the bag. Each round is 3 mins in length with a 1 min. rest. It felt really good. I went slow because I’m out of shape and pregnant =) but I enjoyed it and have decided to add a day or two on the bad to my weekly schedule.  The best part was the next day my forearms, back and shoulders were sore from hitting the bag. I had done something positive for me and the bun in my oven. I didn’t over do it. When i got tired I rested. When I got out of breath I slowed down or stopped, I basically listened to my body.

It felt goo, I’m going to do it again.

Leigh

It’s been about a week since I have last posted and much has changed. Christmas has come and gone, but more importantly my parents know about my pregnancy. Both my parents. telling my mom was easy and fun. Telling my dad caused me to have a major meltdown beforehand.

To tell my mom and my sister (they live together and we would be seeing them at the same time) my husband and I bought little stockings and decorated the tops to make them say grandma and aunt. We gave them the stockings as a Christmas gift. Both were very excited and happy.

We had Christmas with my dad on the following Sunday.  It would be my sister, her friend Mark, My hubby and I at my Dad and his wife’s house.  The plan was we had no plan.  About 30 mins before I got off work I started to get nervous and upset.  My dad has done very well for himself and I knowing our financial situation I believed that he would be thinking “what the hell are these two doing”. As I have mentioned before hubby and I are living pay check to pay check and it sucks. We have to pay minimum payments on all of our bills and can’t even make those all the time.  We both continue to apply for jobs almost on a daily basis but nothing has happened yet. Nothing! It is hard on us. I did quit my job at an Ins. company making a little under 40K a year because  at the time I was wrestling with my alcoholism and my job was not a healthy environment for me to be in. It was a hard choice to make but I had to do what was best for my sobriety and my marriage. I was not pregnant at the time. Since then I’m proud to say that I have been clean and sober since.  It was the right thing to do but has left us in a hard spot financially. So you might have an idea while I was scared to tell my dad our wonderful news.

By the time I got to my car I was in a full-fledged freak out moment. Crying and not able to even turn the car on.  You see my dad is a big believer in work. That’s what you do in life. You work and make money. Even if my hubby and I were set financially I think he would be excited but subdued. I somehow made it back home and talked it over with hubby and we decided just to go do Christmas and that we would tell him later.

Christmas was good, there was lots of food and I was able to eat a little more because I have moved from being nauseous all day to only being nauseous after I eat for 10 or 15 mins. It was a little hard because everyone but my husband and I were drinking but I just put one foot in front of the other and made it through the night. Plus I know that if I ever got really uncomfortable I could tell hubby we had to leave and we would be gone. It snowed that night and as we drove home I felt better about everything.

The next day hubby called dad and made plans to get together for lunch. My dad thought something was up because we had just seen him and now we needed to tell him something. The three of us met for lunch and as we thanked him for his financial help (we live in his condo practically rent free) we said something un-expected came up. He then guessed. “Your pregnant.”

“Yes I am, you’re going to be a grandfather” I said.

He actually smiled a little. The rest of the conversation was a mix of what to do financially and also a couple of questions and jokes about the baby. My hubby and I agree that he may actually be a little excited. I think he would kill for a boy.

So it’s done. I feel better. A weight has been lifted. Well until the bill collectors started up again….

Leigh

Normally I use our laptop to write my blog entries but low and behold it went on the fritz two days ago and guess what we don’t have the money to fix it! So here I sit on my en-table staring at the TV screen trying to type. I can feel a short entry coming on.

I mentioned earlier that I’m an alcoholic. I have quit on my own 2 times in my life each for about a year.  This last relapse (way before I got prego) was one of the worst I had ever had so I decided to start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to get some support. Not to go into details (it is called anonymous for a reason) but I love the program and know that with it I can stay sober from here forward.

One of the things that happened to me while I was drinking this past time was that I got pulled over and charged with DUI. Lack of evidence and being pulled over without probably cause I was not convicted of a DUI. As part of my plea however I am required to do 40 hours of community service. Being an animal lover I chose to volunteer for an animal shelter. I did my first 4 hours tonight.

I volunteered by wrapping Christmas gifts for free at a local bookstore. In return customers donated to our cause. I must say that as much as I was dreading going I really enjoyed myself. I was dreading it not because of not wanting to help out but because I still have some Christmas shopping to do.  I’ve been working and have not had the time to do even the minimal shopping I need to do this year. When I went in and met the other ladies tonight I really had a nice time. Everyone there are animal fanatics like myself. Some were a little more quirky than others =) But we were all there to help out animals in need. I can honestly say that when I left I felt a sense of pride. I felt a little better about myself. I felt like I had helped.

As part of my volunteering I also put in an application to read to hospice patient. For those of you not familiar with hospice it is a great organization that works with terminally ill cancer patients. Hospice comes into take care of people dying from the disease who are in the final weeks or even days of their life. I honestly can’t believe that I contacted this group. My grandmother died of cancer when she was in her early 60′s. She too was an alcoholic who suffered from the disease all her life. She died way before her time and when she did hospice came into help.

I have always felt this eerie bond with my grandmother because we are both alcoholics. Because of her I was aware of the disease and I believe that I was able to come to term with it at a much earlier age then if I she hadn’t gone through all she had. I feel like she went through all that she did to show me what my fate would be if I didn’t get help. I think I finally realize and understand my disease enough to fight it with the help of others.

I don’t know if I will work with hospice for my community service. I’m still a little scared. I have some information to fill out for them in my email in-box. I really want to help, I just need to take that next step.

On a happier note my husband and I have decided to tell my parents about our little bundle of joy on Christmas. Well my mother and sister anyway. My husband isn’t very close to his family and although we will see them on Christmas he is going to tell his mom at a later date. My mother will be over the moon. My sister will be happy for us but also a little sad because this past year she has gone through a divorce. This is the first Christmas in 5 years that she is not with her husband. She never terrible wanted children but I’m still afraid it will make her a little sad. My father on the other had will probably be angry with us, so we are going to put off telling him for a little while longer.

My Dad will be angry about the pregnancy because he knows that financially we are in a bad spot. He will think we are being irresponsible people. But my Dad is a whole different breed. I’ll go into that later. He is a very good hard-working man who has done well for himself. Although this will be his first grandchild he will also be slightly angry and annoyed with us I think. Hubby has a couple good leads on a job so we are going to gt past the new year and hope that we can announce a new job and a new baby all at the same time. Wish us luck!

1) Make your own laundry detergent: My husband got online and found a site to make our own laundry detergent. He is a math wiz and figured out that it costs us about 3 cents a load. All I know is that the  tub of detergent we made has lasted for 3 months now, and there is still half a tub left. Check out this site  http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/03/15/how-to-make-your-own-laundry-detergent-and-save-big-money/

The site also goes into may other things that you can make at home for far cheaper than you would buy at the grocery store.

2) Make a grocery list: It sounds simple enough but this really makes a difference. Before we were in such a tight money situation my hubby and I would walk along our grocery store aimlessly tossing in cans, boxes, produce, and meat that we may or may not use. When we started actually planning out meals for the week and shopping accordingly it made a huge difference. We used to spend about $95.00 every week and a half and now we spend about $50.00 every two weeks. That’s a savings of over $100.00 a month. We still have snacks and I must say neither of us have gone hungry since we started watching what we spend.

3) Cook your meals: This goes with the one above but even though it’s so simple most of us forget it. We don’t realize just how much we spend paying for lunch everyday at the office or getting a “quick bite” after work.  It all adds up very fast. Let me also clarify that when I say “cook your meals” I mean actually cook. No microwave dinners or frozen pizza. If you want pizza get dough in a box, pizza sauce (spaghetti sauce works just fine), cheese, and pepperoni.  It’s actually kind of fun and it’ healthier too.

4) Call your credit card companies: I know you don’t want to. No seriously I didn’t want to either. On one credit card we owe $8000.00 and yes your read correctly that is just one. Our monthly payments were just about $400 a month. We can’t afford it. Plain and simple. I reluctantly call the credit card company and explained that my husband and I were not working (before we had our retail jobs) and asked if there was anyway they could help us. The man said yes. He closed the account (it was maxed out anyway) and pushed our monthly payment down to $160 a month. He also lowered our interest rate from 14% to 1.5%. Now I’m no mathematician but I do understand that paying 1.5% is lower than 14%. Just call and ask. The worst they can do is say no.

5) Cut back on the pets expensive food: Have pets? According to apapets.org 33.6 million households have at least 1 cat.  We have 2 cats and a dog. We don’t buy our pets the most expensive food and litter out there but we do by them more expensive food then we can afford right now. On top of the food and the expensive cat litter that “clumps” we also buy our dog canned pumpkin for his intestines. He needs the fiber and if he doesn’t get at least a cup of raw pumpkin a day, well lets just say you don’t want to be the one cleaning up the dog doo doo.

Although I think nutrition is just as important for animals as it is humans I would rather buy the cheaper pet food than get rid of the pet. My husband has started buying small pumpkins to boil and mash for the dog as well. It’s a little time-consuming but it beats the price. Oh and that expensive litter that clumps? Yep all gone. We use the cheap stuff now. Thank god I’m pregnant and not allowed near the cat litter box =)

Hope these small but easy things help you save money like they have me.

If I eat late I will wake up tomorrow bloated.

I have to work tomorrow and don’t want to feel sick.

Maybe just one…….