I Just watched a “normal live birth medical video”. Why did I do this? Ok actually it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be but let’s be honest it wasn’t as good as I thought it would be either. Before I got pregnant I thought about giving birth a lot and how terrible it would be. These days I don’t really give it much thought. I just have accepted I have something I have to do and don’t think about it. Today however I was talking to a friend who has a 2 month old and she was giving me the low down on child-birth, all the ins and outs so to speak. She had me feeling really good about it all, saying it’s really not that bad, that yes it hurts but that you make it through it and just sharing her experience. When we finished talking I decided to watch a video. I googled “normal medical birth video” because I just wanted to see the most normal healthy delivery I could. I didn’t want to scare myself. And I guess I didn’t. To be honest, all it did was reiterate that I don’t want anyone but the nurse or Dr.’s to see my bum. It just isn’t the most pretty thing to look at.
I want my husband and I to have a good healthy sex life for the rest of our lives, and I know I probably care more then he does but I just don’t want him seeing my bum during delivery. Speaking of the hubby. I have been an emotional mess lately. I have always been a little jealous and crazy but I have noticed even more so now with all my hormonal changes. I was really sad the last two days. I worried that he was talking to some girl at work, I worried that he was talking to some girl on-line, I just worried. Well we talked a little about it last night and then he went to bed before me and I wrote him an email. It;s really hard for me to talk about my feelings and sometimes it’s easier for me to type them. I woke up this morning and he had already gone to work. I had a terrible dream that he was leaving me, so when I woke up I just wanted to cry. I walked downstairs hoping to find a return email from him, but also a little scared. What if he got mad that I was being crazy and jealous? We have been through A LOT the last few months. This summer was really bad when I was drinking and out of control. He dealt with a lot of crap from me. We went through marriage counseling and are doing much better now. Thank god for our counselor and AA. So you can see why I worry that he might get to the point where he just can’t take my craziness and get annoyed with me. Thank god he didn’t.
I pulled out the computer and checked my email to find a return email from him. It was a quick note before he went off to work, just telling me that he loved me and reassuring me that he was super excited for the baby. he told me not to worry about other girls and that I have always been jealous and that he understands. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m so glad I brought it up because I just needed some reassurance that we were ok. Logically I knew we were but emotionally I started to freak out. I guess the moral of this story is that I need to continue to communicate with him even when I feel like it’s stupid and dumb. Because in the long run it will make things better.
Leigh
